A focus on helping others: Now a quadriplegic, farmer and athlete Jeff Barry is ‘living the same life – differently’

Jeff Barry surprised a lot of people during a Dec. 10 hearing in an Ozark County courtroom. One person at the hearing, maybe speaking for others who also witnessed the scene, said it was something she would never forget.

The court case pertained to a vehicle crash that happened 13 months ago. Before the crash, Jeff, now 40, was an active farmer, business co-owner, involved dad and athletic ultra-runner. Now, he’s a quadriplegic, confined to a motorized wheelchair, so his life looks completely different than it did before.

He can no longer help his wife, Rachel, at their popular health food store, Jean’s Healthway, on the Ava square. He can’t practice grazing-management methods that meant moving their 48 cattle from one pasture to another several times a week. He can’t brush-hog a field or feed their chickens or tend the big garden he raised each year. He can’t hold a book while he’s homeschooling their two children, Simon, 8, and Hattie, 4, or show them how to peel a potato as they make supper together, as they used to do.

But Jeff refuses to focus on what he can’t do. Instead, he continues to live the same way he and Rachel lived before the injury – but focused now on what they can do despite challenges. That’s not new for them. They share an attitude of encouraging others to work together to make life better. For them, one of those ways is by producing and sharing natural food that improves health.

“There are so many things all of us can offer to help each other,” Jeff told the Times last week. 

A focus on encouraging

Jeff’s former life, when he was fit and healthy, ended a little after 4 p.m. on Nov. 8, 2023. That’s when a 35-year-old Mansfield woman, impaired by alcohol, caused a crash that sent the old Toyota pickup Jeff was driving tumbling across the pavement on Highway 76 in Douglas County near Skyline School. The truck came to rest upside-down with the cab crushed against a large boulder. Jeff hung upside-down from his seatbelt, unable to help Simon and Hattie, who were also upside-down, suspended behind him in their safety seats. 

Except for minor bruises and scratches, the kids were unhurt. But Jeff was paralyzed from the chest down; the impact had caused a severe spinal cord injury. Today, he can breathe and talk without mechanical assistance, but his legs no longer work. He can’t use his left arm and has very limited use of his right.

Although there’s always the hope for a miracle, this is probably how Jeff will live out the rest of his life – all because of the choices the other driver made that day 13 months ago. Even though her name is a matter of public record, Jeff asked the Times not to use it. He doesn’t want to emphasize the mistake she made. Instead, he wants to encourage her to focus on making her future life better.  

He credited her with facing up to her mistake in the Ozark County courtroom on Dec. 10, after entering guilty pleas to DWI and child-endangerment charges. The case was transferred here from Douglas County on change-of-venue and change-of-judge motions. 

The Barrys’ friend, Ozarks Alive! columnist Kaitlyn McConnell, was with them that day and wrote a Facebook post about the powerful emotions that filled the courtroom. After the charges were read and the appropriate questions were asked, Associate Circuit Judge Raymond Gross sentenced the woman to a total of seven years in prison. Then, when Gross asked if there was a victim-impact statement, Jeff rolled his wheelchair to the front of the courtroom. 

Yes, Jeff told the judge, he had something to say. In fact, he had plenty to say. But it all came down to the one word no one in the courtroom, except maybe Rachel, expected to hear.

Forgive.

“I forgive you,” Jeff told her.

He said that her spending time in prison wasn’t going to change anything. And then, McConnell wrote, he told the woman to let them know “if he or his family could do anything to help her after her release.”

Next, McConnell shared what happened after the woman “hugged her mom goodbye as she prepared to be taken into custody.”

Jeff said he would take a hug too, McConnell wrote. “And she leaned down to meet him in his wheelchair.”

McConnell called it “the greatest display of humanity that I have ever seen. And a day I will never forget.”

Touching toughened hearts  

McConnell wasn’t the only one who was touched by Jeff’s surprising gesture.

“You touched this crusty old judge’s heart,” Judge Raymond Gross told Jeff that day.

Later, Gross told the Times, “In court, we deal with pain and suffering on a regular basis. We deal with victims, child custody issues, lawsuits involving death, and we develop a crust, a thick skin. We’re numb, to a certain extent. You need that to objectively deal with these difficult cases.”

In such cases, Gross said, he had heard victims who “say they forgive, but there’s still a lot of anger present.” In contrast, he said, Jeff was “very gracious, very authentic” and a “fine example of a real Christian heart.”

Ozark County Sheriff’s Deputy Sgt. Seth Miller, who was filling in for the regular court bailiff that day, told the Times after the trial that seeing the victim forgive the defendant was very moving. Like Gross, Miller said his involvement in court cases and law enforcement since 2010 had made him “pretty callous-hearted.” But he was impressed to learn that the Barrys hadn’t asked for damages or restitution beyond what the woman’s legal-minimum insurance covered. To him, that showed sincerity in what they were saying.

Miller said that his wife, Whitney, being a runner, like Jeff was, “kind of made me closer to the situation” and made him realize, “Wow, that could be us.” He was impressed with Jeff’s “positivity,” adding, “I don’t think I could be that way.” 

After Jeff forgave the woman, asked for a hug, and then told her parents to let him know if there was anything he could ever do to help them – after all that, Miller’s bailiff duties took an unusual turn. He accepted the box of tissues the court clerk quickly brought him to hand out to all the people in the gallery who were wiping away tears. 

And that was just about everyone, according to McConnell. “There were few dry eyes in that courtroom,” she wrote.

Focusing on thankfulness

Jeff says his ability to forgive “comes from the many people who support me so that I can help others instead of focusing on my disabilities.” It comes from his and Rachel’s focus on others – in this case, on forgiving someone who caused a terrible accident, hoping that she can move forward with her life without being weighed down by guilt.   

Rachel told the Times that, in the days leading up to the trial, they hadn’t talked about what Jeff would say in the victim’s statement. In fact, they hadn’t talked about their feelings toward the woman since “very early after the injury,” but she added, in a message to the Times, “This discussion isn’t new in our house. It’s something we teach our children daily. People (including us and our children) make bad decisions sometimes. It doesn’t mean they/we are bad people. We are all deserving of love and respect. . . . We hope by forgiving, it changes the trajectory of ____’s life.” 

However, she admitted questioning whether she could have had that same attitude of forgiveness if her children had been injured. Thankfully, she said, that’s a question she doesn’t have to answer.

Instead, she said, “I focus on that: thankfulness.”

Thankfulness flows easily when the Barrys recount the many ways their diverse community of devoted friends, relatives, customers and even strangers from around the world have supported them since the crash. It’s a community they have created through their work, their faith and the way they live their lives. 

Rachel, an Ava native, and Jeff, who grew up in mid-Missouri, met at College of the Ozarks in Point Lookout, where they earned degrees in criminal justice (Jeff) and nutrition (Rachel). They were married in 2006, and three years later moved into the home they built themselves in the Glade Top Trail area just north of the Ozark County line. 

On Dec. 30, 2020, they bought Jean’s Healthway store, a popular Ava business that had thrived for more than 40 years. Rachel, a nutritionist and registered dietitian, had worked at the store for seven years and had served as manager before the purchase. Previously, Rachel had worked as a nutritionist with the Ozark County and Douglas County health departments. Jeff was a full-time farmer and stay-at-home dad to Simon and Hattie.  

After the car crash on Nov. 8, 2023, Jeff was flown to Cox South Hospital in Springfield, where he remained until Dec. 5. Then he was flown by medical transport to Craig Neuro-rehabilitation Center in Englewood, Colorado. The facility has housing for families, so Rachel and the kids, plus Jeff’s brother Travis Barry, were able to be with him there. 

A story in the Jan. 24 edition of the Times (“A world turned upside down”) described the outpouring of heartfelt love, kindness, help, thoughtfulness and prayers that kept the family afloat emotionally, physically and financially during those times. That help included Jean’s Healthway employees who kept the store going while the Barrys were away, with suppliers, friends and customers pitching in to help as needed.  

Rachel told the Times, “I won’t lie. There have been a few hiccups and feelings of being overwhelmed, and many sleepless nights. But the feelings of gratitude, knowing I have a whole community of people I can call on, outweighs it.”

‘Accepting what life has become’

In March, the family returned to Missouri, renting a house in Springfield so Jeff could continue frequent rehabilitation therapy sessions there. In July, they moved back to their farm, where an entry ramp and a roll-in shower had been added to the house they had built 15 years ago. Then they quickly set about rebuilding, as best they can, the life they had enjoyed before the crash. 

“It’s kind of like my whole existence right now is living my same life – but a completely different life at the same time,” Jeff told the Times. “It’s nice to be home where everything is familiar and comfortable, but it’s hard – hard isn’t the right word – but it’s different to exist without the abilities to do the things I did before. Not being able to farm, not being able to walk to that favorite spot near the creek . . . that’s hard, but it doesn’t mean I don’t have enjoyable moments. It means accepting what life has become.”  

It’s unlikely that life will include Jeff’s previous athletic pursuits. On the Sunday before the 2023 accident, he had completed a 20-mile ride on his mountain bike, and on the following Saturday, he was registered to run in a 50-kilometer event near Branson. The 50K run was to be a prerequisite for one of the goals he’d set for himself for 2024: completing a 100-mile ultra-run. 

Now, the man who was preparing to run a hundred miles can’t take a single step. So his goal for 2025 is vastly different from the one he had for 2024: He wants to learn to drive the used Toyota van with wheelchair ramp and disability modifications they found in Colorado. 

“I want to get my license back so I can take the kids places,” he said.

‘Don’t be a pain’

While he’s always enjoyed helping others, accepting help hasn’t been easy for Jeff. So being paralyzed and needing lots of help has been a challenge. 

“Before the injury, I was the guy who always wanted to help everybody but couldn’t accept help myself,” he said. “I think I probably lost many opportunities to learn because I didn’t ask for help before doing something.”

He reminds himself that people want to help each other. “That’s how community is built,” he said, “by asking for help and receiving it.” 

Also, he’s learned there is a best way to ask for and receive help. 

“Pretty early on, I heard someone say that, when you have an injury like this, if you live in a way that makes you a pain to be around – I mean, you’re already a pain because you need a lot of care – but if you’re a pain to be around, it makes life harder,” said Jeff.

“Even though there are lots of things people have to help me with, if I focus on thanking them and being thankful to them, that makes it easier for everyone,” he said.

So he tries always to ask for and receive help graciously.

‘It’s like playing charades’

 Even though he’s confined to a wheelchair, Jeff continues to be a stay-at-home dad. On the days when Rachel is working at the store, he leads the kids through their homeschool lessons, and then guides them in making supper. Again, he’s learning to do the same things he used to do – but differently. 

As an example, he described his recent work with Hattie, now 4. “I’m in a wheelchair with hands that don’t work,” he said. “We worked on making ABCs yesterday. It’s a struggle because I can’t hold her hand and slowly guide it.”

But then he realized he could teach Hattie to write her ABCs while he relearns how to write them himself – differently. “I can shove a pen into my hand. Over the next year or so, she and I will take that journey together,” he said. 

After their schoolwork, it’s time to cook dinner. Since their highchair days, the Barrys’ kids have been involved in food preparation. Cutting up vegetables with a paring knife isn’t new to them. In the past, Jeff had a paring knife too and showed them how to use it. He made dinner and the kids helped. Now, he said, “it’s not that they’re helping. They’re doing. It’s almost a role reversal. They’re making dinner, and I’m their helper.”

Again, he’s living the same life but differently. “Dad can’t just grab it and do it for you,” Jeff said. “It’s like playing charades, but it’s real life. All I can do is talk.”

The reward is seeing the kids grow in their abilities and confidence. “It’s empowering to them to learn how to do all these things,” he said.

Living out lessons others will see

Jeff feels blessed “to see how strong Rachel’s been. She’s still doing all the things she was doing before, and now she’s also doing the things I was doing – chopping kindling, running the zero-turn mowers, asking about running the tractors,” he said. “She’s portraying what wedding vows are - ‘for better or for worse’ – and she’s truly living that example for me, for our children and for the community to see.”

Another family member who’s demonstrating love and devotion is Jeff’s brother, Travis, who lives in Springfield with his wife Kaycee, but spends every weekend with Jeff and Rachel, helping them with home and farm chores Jeff can no longer do. 

Meanwhile, Simon and Hattie are watching. “They’re seeing how my brother is being a brother,” said Jeff, who also acknowledged the sacrifice Kaycee is making, giving up her weekends with Travis so he can help them.

 Another thing the kids are seeing is their parents’ bond in close relationships, including men sharing hugs and tears with Jeff. “I don’t know how many times I’ve cried with other men and had hugs,” he said. “I don’t know if I ever saw that as a kid.” 

Simon and Hattie are also learning that “tears aren’t necessarily sadness,” he said. “Sometimes you just love someone so much or you’re so happy, you cry.”

‘Help me be the best me’

Although they don’t belong to a specific denomination, Jeff and Rachel have always been people of strong faith. “Living for God the Father, and knowing you’re a part of something so much bigger than yourself makes it easier to accept your role,” Jeff said. 

He believes his role now is “to teach others in a different way,” he said, and he’s determined to do it well. “I’ve prayed, ‘Please help me be the best me I am.’” 

That means “being focused on how I can help others” and “waking up each day and thinking, OK, I’m going to be the best I can be,” he said. 

The Barrys agree with Wasola resident Janet Taber’s comment on Kaitlyn McConnell’s post about Jeff. Sharing a thought from Rabbi Harold Kushner’s book, “Why Bad Things Happen to Good People,” Janet wrote, “When bad things happen to good people, it’s not to punish them. It’s to teach others around them courage, love, and resilience.”  

The Barrys can’t know what the future holds for them, or for the woman now serving a prison sentence. But if Jeff and Rachel could have their way, that future might include Jeff and the woman working together to help others see the power of their choices.

“We could tell people, ‘Even if you don’t have intentions of hurting people, when you get behind the wheel, this is what that can look like – a guy who’s quadriplegic and a woman who spent years in prison,’” Jeff said. 

Judge Raymond Gross has his own imaginary picture of an equally powerful future possibility for Jeff and the woman who turned his life upside-down. “If I were writing her story,” Gross said, “I’d have Jeff training her to run a marathon.”